On proving a point.

May 14, 2015

On proving a point.

Remember the time I got kicked out from a fashion shoot? Guess what I did following Tuesday?

Yes. A fashion shoot.

I’m not sure when my “there’s nothing I can’t do” approach first started, but probably around time I first heard Effy say those words on Skins.

Every time I felt like someone is doubting me I grew more and more determined. You wanna win a national competition with the first short script you’ve ever written? You wanna study towards a degree in making films in London? You wanna be in Littlefinger’s brothel one day? Well, dream on girl!

And that’s exactly what I did.

The day of that photoshoot I was also sitting for a portrait in clay:

-You have a tiny little scar on the chick next to your nose it must be a problem in your profession.

-My profession?

-You know – modeling.

-It’s not my profession!

-What is?

-Oh… Filmmaking I guess. Or writing?

-Ok then, how much time do you spend on writing and how much on modeling?

From then on I couldn’t kick that conversation out of my head, because it was so accurate.

Being completely honest I’ve never been confident about my looks and needed validation from the outside world. That meant the doubt I felt from other people was really just in my head and I am the one that I prove a point to.

That conversation showed me a huge problem – I’ve been too busy showing off my boobs on HBO to take care of my intellectual development – the area that didn’t need any extra care in the past. I guess that’s a proof of not being insecure about my brains ever in my life. Until know.

Of course I’m glad to hear:

-Oh, I saw you on Game of Thrones, you looked great!

But I would much rather hear:

-Oh, I loved your novel! I just couldn’t put it down.

And please, doubt if I’m capable of writing one this summer. I would really use some external motivation. Internal is there. A lot of it.