-Do you think he likes me?

So, there’s one person that draws my attention. A crush. Yes, that’s the best way to describe it.

When computer crashes it simply doesn’t work. When your mind crushes you tend to walk into glass door. Or crush a table at uni during an assignment review at the exact moment, when your film is being commented on. (Yeah, that happened.)

You experience shortness of breath and your heart forgets to beat for a few second each time you see that person.

Or is it just me?

Yesterday I was forced to make an international call to spill it out. I can’t tell anyone in the course and my best friend back in Poland was the only option.

After talking  for 10 minutes I asked her something I haven’t in about 6 years now:

-Do you think he likes me?

If it wasn’t there in the background for a really long time I would blame it on my cultural detox. I promised myself to consume quality entertainment only and just finished “The Age of Innocence”.

(Since the characters in Gossip Girl all read in I can’t be less educated than them.)

The whole novel is about wondering what’s going on in the other person’s head, doing one’s best not to give your environment a clue about your feeling and interpreting every facial expression and half word.

The downside is – back then facial expressions and half words had an actual meaning in each interaction, but now? Is opening the door for you or picking up heavy filming equipment a proof of simply being well brought up or a sign of affection?

What scares me the most is I have no control over my emotion whatsoever.

I know that pursuing anything may fuck up a perfectly fine professional relation and that I’m nowhere ready to start anything serious. And that there’s no point in starting anything at any point of my life, since I don’t ever want to get married and not be able to give my career 100%. And that the last relationship left a gigantic hole in my mental immune system. And…

And all those rational reason do not prevent my heart from beating too loud in his presence.

Or explaining an actress I’ve hardly know why my hands are trembling while removing a safety pin from a Primark sheet after a shoot today. Because I was melting inside and couldn’t think straight.

(I’ve made some fabulous dresses for a short film we’ve finished today, pics coming soon!)

But it’s ok. She won’t tell. She’s just an outsider anyway.