How to get yourself into a mid-life crisis at the age of 20.

I think I'm back. I finally started writing. I tried to trace "how the hell did this shit happened oh baby". And unfortunetly it has nothing to do with waking up in the kitchen.
I think it's the longest and the most honest post I've ever published.

How to get yourself into a mid-life crisis at the age of 20.

(A manual by Mademoiselle Scribbler)

1.       Fail in getting a job after finishing first year of uni.

2.       Accept an offer form a morally challenging club and think of it as a research for a brilliant, career establishing novel.

3.       The first night walk home drunk, accept invitation for another drink form two guys outside closed pub about 3 am.

4.       Invite them up for a threesome, let one of them stay till the morning and exchange numbers.

5.       Get bored at work often enough to text him.

6.       Fail to become a hooker (let the client, who was supposed to take you home walk out the club without a word).

7.       Take a wrong bus home, get lost in the middle of empty London about 4.30 and text the guy to come and get you.

8.       Watch the sunrise with him on his rooftop and idealize the whole thing between you.

9.       Watch a client watching his son stripping by a pole in the middle of the club and then go fuck the guy.

10.   Get invited to a real date.

11.   Snort coke all night with a client. (If he happens to have a both make sure that he runs both taps. Otherwise you’ll have to go into the bathroom, run the one with cold water as well and watch that old, bold red-eyed baby. Strongly not recommended)

12.   Get back to your place, take a quick shower, change your clothes go to the date.

13.   Drink, eat bagels, fall in love.

14.   Find your research difficult and your boss an asshole.

15.   Keep dating the guy.

16.   Find your research pointless. (Notice, you are too nice to use people’s stories in your writing and that what was supposed to make you even more of a hedonist turns you into Mother Teresa)

17.   Think that you’re ready for a real relationship and quit the job for a guy.

18.   Be in love for some time with all the ups and downs. Then find the sex boring and avoid it.

19.   Move out from London to your uni town half an hour on the train away.

20.   Open the door happy to see the guy and hear that he came just to tell you what a bad person you are. Then have a drink and fuck together. Let him stay over. Watch movies all morning and see all the things smoothed by your affection in the full sunlight.

21.   Type all your research notes in and find out it’s not even 20 pages and cannot be classified as a novel nor short story.

22.   Blame the guy about not having enough material and become passive aggressive towards him. Have a text fight and shut him up with “our sex got boring”.

23.   Decide to visit your parents and home town. Buy coach tickets, because they are much cheaper than the plane ones and you’re out of a job once again and obviously broke. Keep it a secret from everyone but your parents (because they are paying for a ticket) and your ex-boyfriend, the First. Ask him to pick you up from the station.

24.   Make sure it is all done in one day: decide to come for a shoot with a photographer that is the best fuck you’ve ever had. Then go see the guy and make a speech about how you’re not able to see just him, because it’s against your nature. Hear “That’s ok.” From him. Feel guilty about not being a relationship person and do not ask for his help with moving the rest of your stuff from pervious room. Carry it all yourself from the house to the bus, on the train on the bus and home. Twice.

25.   Have your pussy eaten in a public place, sitting on Harley by it’s owner. Get home, have a text fight with the guy warning you that it’s not seen as a good thing to be an easy girl at uni. Get informed by him that he is about to screw some other girl. Instead of jealousy get mad that you’ve given up your research for that childish asshole. Start packing.

26.   Get on a coach packed with other Polish immigrants and try not to get upset about 18 hour journey you’re about to experience. Let a stranger tell you her story in the first 3 minutes you know each other about a cheating boyfriend. Hear her repeating “You can’t forgive this kind of thing” every 5 minutes. Nod, but have in mind the ex, who’s picking you up have done the same thing with your best friend. And it took you 2 years to get rid of the hate and when you saw him with a younger and slimmer girl last holiday, you got so jealous you had to have him back.

27.   Have a coffee with your ex kinnda girlfriend. Realize that you haven’t done anything you can be proud of through the last year. 3 years actually.

28.   Sit in the car excited to see your ex-boyfriend again, since you still have feelings for him. Hear that you can’t be seen together, because it would hurt the girl you saw him with last summer.

29.   Get home safely. Hug your mom and eat a soup. See that nothing is changed – they are still this perfect family and you can’t fit in.

30.   Go to a party. Drink vodka. Find out that your ex’s ex girlfriend (the one after you left) is about to get signed with a modeling agency. Drink more vodka. Let her remind you something you said when you still had faith in yourself. Drink more vodka. Pass out.

31.   Let the ex of your ex drive you home in the morning. Let your mom be mad that you haven’t called you’re staying over somewhere. Find out she called your ex to find out where you are. Jump on a huge trampoline with your 2,5 year old sister and try not to thing about the fact that you don’t really remember, when was the last time you talked to him. 9pm? Keep on jumping.

32.   Win a theoretical argument about abortion with the words “Would you like to have me for a mother?” Loose another with another female friend. Feel like a bad person. Hold yourself back from committing suicide.

33.   Blow up with silly shit to your mother. Feel like your middle sister is a personification of all the ambition that your father had for you. Feel like a lost case.

34.   Have a perfect good bye with your ex and miss him already.

35.   Get back to London. Get back to your town feeling even more confused than you were before. To escape watch True Blood. Episode after an episode. Leave the bed only to get cereal.