How to survive a relapse of depression in 15 easy steps.

I feel like the last post lacked the back story and I'm here today to present you with one.

1.Get yourself into one.

Gathering documentation of a mental illness you’ve already recovered from to make a case of mitigating circumstances is a great way. GP helping you phrase your description of symptoms (starting with severe and persistent  thoughts of being better off dead)  reading them out loud 5 times in a span of 3 minuses perfectly reprograms your brain to experience it again.

2.Get disappointed.

Say on Tuesday you had trouble scheduling 4 dates into your weekend schedule. Agree to see a person you truly connected with on Saturday and reserve Friday night for a guy that you actually fancy. On Friday Check your email in the middle of a tiny post production crisis of your film. Find an elaborate intellectual and philosophical cancellation stating that the guy has a long term lover he failed to mention. Text Biker Guy just to find out just to find out he already has plans. Like a normal person. Go home to doll up for the other guy and clean up the room before you have a friend pick up her stuff and you make her have tea with you. Get a text she’s not coming. Get a text that the guy is about to take a train back from the end of the universe (any other which isn’t London) and if you could make it to Peckham for 10pm. Try to set your standards and come clean you’ve given up on him, since he’s been silent all day. Watch Doctor Who, cry and eat pasta with too much cheese in it. Continue for the rest of the weekend.

3.Get worse physically.

Let the feeling of isolation grow and shelter the view of each possibility of experiencing joy. At this point your anxiety is sky high and you’re feeling like you’re gonna faint every time you leave your bed.

4. Get untrustworthy.

Pop to see how your director/editor/animation person is doing, promise to come back. Crawl to your attic and take a 3 hour nap. To feel useful show up at a fundraising event to stay at the door and force yourself to interact. Skip the makeup not to draw attention to yourself. Your latest obsession is feeling too pretty to be smart and the ability to make people fall in love with for 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes, then you’re abandoned again, because their life doesn’t have room for another useless human being in it.

5. Get tipsy.

Get free drinks for being blond and see it as confirmation of the theory above. Get nostalgic, sad and angry at yourself and the Universe.

6.Get so much worse.

The power of these fractions of sanity are running so low that you consider which instruments would be least painful to kill yourself with. Decide on mixing all the pain killers with vodka standing around in your room waiting for an occasion. Follow the advice of a psychologist your Mum took you to after you took unsuccessful amount of pills and failed to end your life as a teenager. Give yourself one more day.

7. Get truly insane.

Fight to function like a person. Wake up sobbing, achieve getting out of bed and getting dressed and finding the biggest sunglasses in your collection. Leave the house to attend a tutorial at uni. Get to the bus stop and start crying out loud before noticing you don’t even have a used napkin to blow your nose. Cross the road ignoring the peak time traffic. Grab a 10 pack of tissues and stand in the queue of 15 people as the tears cover pretty much the whole front of your coat. Under no circumstances do not stop crying. Get to school, stand around sobbing, dare to say no if someone asks if you’re ok.

8. Get coffee.

Remember the break in the middle of your first therapy session when you felt like this and getting a late and a cookie gave you strength to stay and come back next week. Have it outside while chain smoking.

9.Get decisive.

Google places you can get yourself committed and instead of practical information find legal articles how long you will be locked up and decide that 28 days is a better option that swallowing the pills and opening the bottle you had saved since your last visit to Poland. Digg out your safety plan and call the number you were supposed to call if you arrive at this crossword. After being put on hold hear that they can’t do anything for you, because you’re not registered with their centre. Google mental health drop ins at your uni, see that you’ve got 30 of one and run to another campus. Find out at the reception that they are being held 3 hours later. Say “Oh thank you, have a lovely day” instead of “I’m planning on being dead in 3 hours” to the receptionist and head out.

10.Get advice.

Accidently/subconsciously  call your father (the only person in the whole world you feel like is more disappointed in you than yourself) and have a heart to heart about the times before he was married and steady in all the aspects of life. Decide to follow his advice and start on things you can control like cleaning up your room. Go home, see the pills and bottle, end up not moving for 4 hours. Paralyzed. Hear from your best friend that you really need a person to be in this room with you and how sorry she is she can’t be there.

11. Get company.

Put a guy you recently suggested becoming fuck buddies to on suicide watch.

12. Get vocal.

Have a bottle of wine long and truly meaningful conversation with him. Open that bottle of vodka you’ve been obsessing over the last couple of days. Do shots and develop a need for him staying the night. Make it happen. Fail to stay reasonably silent while he fucks the depression out of you.

13. Get safe.

Notice that even though you got woken up by anxiety around an hour before the alarm clock you feel ok. That the cuddles and kisses and multiple orgasms wiped out the urge to end your life sometime soon.

14. Get happier.

Spend a day just celebrating the rush of endorphins, do not deal with the wold just now, just smile and notice good things. Because despite of what I get to feel like sometime the world is a spectrum of events and I was just pushed to only acknowledge the bad stuff.

15. Get strong.

Healing is a process and my life will probably stay a roller-coaster. I will do my best to stay on the children sized one until I'm steady on my feet again.