Am I even real?

Do you ever get a feeling that you’re not a real person, only a character, possibly a lead in a comedy drama?

As stages of my insanity go this one is the most disturbing. I used to cherish the moments of detachment, a mental escape into some fiction platform. Views and dialogs much more cinematic that life usually offers. Plot twists, slowly evolving characters, build-up of tension, climaxes and opening new chapters. If you examine my life it is a sum of wonderful coincidences and dreams coming true. 

The evidence of me being not real is overwhelming. Who approaches the singer of quite a famous band with a script they’d like him to patron and ends up going backstage, holding his hand right after the concert. Oh, have I mentioned he was shirtless? Who decides to grab their friends at 3am and follow a guy claiming to be an artist to his studio and have a party of their lives?  Who becomes a muse to a sculptor and gets to model for rent in freaking Chiswick?

A long time ago I decided on having an interesting life not a happy one and I feel like now I’m facing the consequences. Stories to tell and no energy to create more.

Where I’m at now is a place of no joy with inserts of drunken haze and men. The sensation of another human body pressed next to yours confirms you’re existence. Works for me at least.

 The only however productive thing that makes me feel good is life modelling. Leaving the mark of your image on pages of drawing paper. Consuming artists’ attention and imprinting the curves of my body in the muscle memory of their palms. Trading ink and paint for a vision of me. A proof that Em Scribbler existed once upon a time.

If I stop conniving myself that I’m a part of the real world and my life is not just a fascinating fantasy I will end up with no will power to push sadness away.

Because if I’m not really here and it’s all just an illusion, then what’s the point of fighting to keep the show on for the 11^th season?

When I spoke up about it the other night I heard:

-If you’re not real then I have one hell of a schizophrenia.