On not killing myself tonight.

- Don’t go drinking tonight, don’t take drugs and don’t kill yourself. - Said my 16 year old sister about an hour ago.

-I promise I won’t kill myself tonight, I promise not to pay for drugs I may take and to think about staying in tonight – I replied after careful consideration.

This post is about to get hilarious. If you like dark humour that is.

The inside of my head became the least pleasant place to be these days. After about 6 years of adulting on my own and 5 months of clinical depression I needed someone to carry a bit of that (possibly soon to be) dead weight with me.

During one of the recent meltdowns I wouldn’t speak to anyone for 4 days. On some level it was an experiment if the world would notice my death. And guess what? It wouldn’t. 

That woke up my inner fighter and made me come up with a motivation plan to keep on pushing through even the lowest days.

I needed somebody to call me  every day and check if I’m alive. In the process I would have to keep on living just to pick up.

The process of selection was interesting. It had to be a person I care about enough not to put them through trauma. It had to be someone socially conditioned to care about me. My mom has a 4 year old and her mom to care about, my dad considers brain chemistry disorders bullshit and hard work a cure for lack of serotonin. My best friend has life and problems of her won.

So I had to ask my middle sister to grow up a little. And that’s exactly what she does and show my gratitude by picking up. And not killing myself tonight.