Let's play deductions.
Happy people dance a lot, right? I’ve always wanted to learn
how to do it properly and so I purchased some lessons as a birthday gift form
myself to myself. The fact that I’m 22 and alive calls for a celebration after
all.
About 10 mins in the first salsa class I recalled why I
hated PE so badly. I have no coordination whatsoever. The basic steps other
people would get instantly took me the whole hour and I still struggle while
practicing.
The worst part came later – bachata. Learning and failing if
you don’t care was fine. No pressure I was there to have fun. Up to the point
we were paired up and my little progress would confuse every single partner I
had a chance to dance with.
All of the excuses used not to participate in team sports
came back to my mind. The month long period craps, the forgetfulness focused solely
on gym outfit, scheduling rehearsals of
a school cabaret so that they take place while I was supposed to be marked on
how fast I run.
I find it curious that in middle school (the age when the insecurities
on body image are typically sky high) playing Eve in a comedy sketch and wearing
swimsuit in front of every pupil in that institution wouldn’t even give me a
stage fright. Perspective of playing volleyball on the other hand…
Anyway, after the dance lesson I stormed out, chain smoked
and cried analysing how much easier it must have been for couples to take such
a class. Why does the world makes it so hard for women that decide to stay
single.
Then I went on thinking about deductions- finding the answer
by dismissing the least probable ones. Or making choices based on crossing out the least beneficial option. I wondered how
many of my life moves were dictated my passion and what percentage had the avoidance
of less pleasant option in the driver seat.
Where would I be if I worked harder on some subjects instead
of giving them up in favour of areas of knowledge I hated less. I really struggle
with this notion when it comes to the love life.
I’ve been making choices between staying in a bad or simply dissatisfying
relationship and being alone more times that I can count. And that would mean I’m
not independent at heart and made firm calculated choices.
I’m just unhappy single girl who hated PE.
Scary, right?
Well, I wouldn’t recommend depression to anyone. The text above is just a
sample of how my mind turns a great situation (yey! Salsa!) into a stream of unstoppable
digging through personal traumas, blowing them out of proportion and clouding
your judgment and sucking your life force dry.
That lesson was on Thursday, on Friday I didn’t make it out
of bed. I was paralyzed by feeling like a looser who by choosing the easier way
out landed without any prospects of achieving anything substantial.
And logically I know that’s just bullshit and my life so far
is much rather like couple of compelling first chapters of some success story. But it’s
hard when your brain does it’s best to convince you otherwise.
Dancing requires a partner unless you are Billy Idol and you are dancing with yourself. I took dance lessons for a year due to the fact that they were free. They needed male bodies as the women outnumbered the men 6 to 1. I was in Heaven, sure I sucked big time in the beginning but every class had someone who wanted to practice on the side. Of course as a man I took that as an invitation for sex sometimes it was and sometimes it wasn't. One lady who was a lot older than I but had so much life in her wanted me to help her with her rhythm, I showed up at her house and was surprised when her husband who was in a wheel chair opened the door. I pretended not to be disappointed and danced like no one was watching which was hard because he was right there the whole time. I felt terrible, here was a man who couldn't walk watching someone else mambo with his wife. I tried to pretend I wasn't sexually interested in his wife out of respect and pity. She kept grabbing me and pulling me closer it felt surreal. After about twenty minutes he sits up and says very loudly if you guys aren't going to fuck then I am going to bed. She then told her husband I didn't feel that way about her and then she proceeded to apologize to me about his behavior. I told her I was the one who should apologize as her husband was right and I felt like shit for the way I felt. The point is practice practice practice. You are a beautiful woman who should have no trouble finding someone to dance with.
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